Not breaking down at 11pm at night... and My Chemical Romance

I'll save the mental breakdown for about 2am, after I finally realize that I need to work on my actual homework.  No,  I'm not going to break down at all... right? I'm totally mentally stable guys.  Yup.  I'll give you a list of the things that may or may not result in my eventual doom.

Welcome. 

1. This blog post.
I have currently six different posts half-way written because I'm way too critical of my own writing. The only way I get any of these written is because I'm half asleep and slightly on a coffee high.  I am way too good at procrastinating... so I'm doing this now.


2. Sleep
What? Me? Sleeping? No.  I haven't slept at all this week guys... so I'm kinda high on lack of sleep and really tired.  This is not helping me deal with stress.  At all.  I'm having issues doing cognitive stuff.  So after I submit this I'm going to lie in bed and stare at my ceiling and think of all the things I have to do until morning.


3. Debate
I have an LD case that is kinda falling apart at the seems that I have to debate tomorrow.  I need to fix this, find evidence, and structure counter points.  While on less than 3 hours of sleep.  I don't really have a plan on how that's going to work out.  Debate's also another reason I'm writing this now, because I won't be able to submit it at the tournament.


4. School
Guys... really?  Honestly I think you're trying to kill me.  I cannot take another pop quiz or retake of stressful test.  I love learning... but not at the cost of my (always relative) sanity.  I would love a break from school please... without a dramatic drop in that all-important GPA.

I realize that everyone has heard this song, but I still love it.

5. Shtuf
I feel like this list needed a fifth bullet point so I'll just comment on the fact that the (98% pure awesome) Kimball Art Center  volunteering is not really helping with the stress level here.  I would also like to add that TaeKwonDo, however enjoyable and amazing, is a substantial amount of time spent not working, Kimball-ing (a real verb), or LD-ing (also a very real word).

In closing:

I hope you guys have a great week.  :) Loves to you all,
Anna

Source from this awesome Tumblr Blog

If you're one of the many people out there who is suffering, I just want to say that I'm sending you all a massive pile of Anna hugs.  Seriously, I'm kinda just raping you with the amount of caring and love I'm sending you.  I don't care who you are, how much money you have, what you've done.  I. Don't. Care.  You deserve to be happy, you deserve to smile, you deserve to dance to your favorite music and feel free.  I don't care if you don't think that anyone cares, that no one will miss you, because I'm telling you that you do matter.  You can make it through this fight.  Promise.  If anyone needs anything don't hesitate to email me or comment and I will be there for you.  Electronically, because 50% of the time I'm convinced that everyone in the world is a creeper, but I'm still here for you.  Always.  I care about you, I'm always going to.  You are beautiful.  You are wonderful.  You are precious no matter who you are.  You are worth something guys, never forget that.

Goodnight all,

Anna

Shtuf

Apparently I offend some people by being me.  This post is going to be crazy clique probably, but I'm going to go through my thoughts anyways.

We are told to be ourselves.  We are informed that we can be whoever we want.  We are told to follow our dreams, to not change for anyone.
Yet, it seems these statements have quite a bit of hidden clauses and fine print.

Be yourself *as long as we like you*  
Be who you want *just make sure you are exactly the same as everyone else*
Follow your dreams *as long as you want to be a doctor, teacher, or something productive to our society*
Don't change for anyone *unless you're doing life wrong*

Honestly, I'm kinda done with the invisible fine print.  I've tried that route.  I've worn the "right" clothes, and said the "right" things, and taken the "right" courses, and generally just tried to conform with society's expectations.  Now, I have to warn you that this plan is going to  fail epically.  It'll most likely end with a psychotic breakdown from yours truly.  I'm going to try through.  I'm going to start right here.
Here.  A song.



The surface meaning of this song just kinda tells you what I'm trying to say with this blog post... maybe you'll hate it.  Um... administration don't listen if you're offended by expletives.  Whatever.  Anyways, I'm going to try this thing where I don't care whether you hate me, the song, or about your opinion on me in general.  Wish me luck! :D

Or you don't have to, because I don't care whether you do or not.  This is kinda complicated... hmm... I might have to go through the logistics of this whole not caring thing. In the meantime, another song!

Most people hated that one.  Oops.  Hehe :)
I love that song.  It was one of those songs on permanent repeat for about... a month.  I know pretty much every word.  *blushes awkwardly*  Wait... that didn't warrant a blush, because I don't care about whether you thought that was weird.  Oh dear... I'm going to have issues with this.  So... song!

Oh my god! I just want to share all the songs with you guys!! Excitement!! But... I can't.  Too many.  I'll portion myself.  I will have you guys listen to all of these though... they're brilliant. I'll probably get into Motionless In White and others in my next post.  If I remember.

I'll leave you with Between The Trees as a bit of an apology in advance to those who are not a big fan of my type of music.
Loves!
Anna

I have no idea what I would call my music taste... but I loved this.  So I got it from here.

Sleep... Is Nice

I'm bored in class so I'm just going to write some random crap for this poorly-maintained and abandoned blog.  I'm pretty sure if this blog was human it would have some serious abandonment issues... anyways.  I'm very tired.  And will most likely delete this later.  But yeh.  I'm tired... and bored... and in AP Geo class.  It's also really cold.  Like cold cold cold cold.  *Shiver* No one else seems to be cold... but I'm slightly turning into a mini Anna block of ice... hmmm... bye!
Anna

Debate Shit (sorry Mr. Parker)

I promised you all a post about why I was packing, so here it is.  About twenty of us were able to skip second, third, and fourth period on last Friday.  Honestly, I expected that skipping school was going to to be the best part of the trip.  However, we, or maybe just me because I'm not physic, had a lot of fun.  This has brought me to a little random tangent that I kinda need to go off on.  I hate the fact that I have no ability to read other's emotions.  I will think that someone hates me and then find out later that they think I'm a cool person.  This usually results in me just kinda hiding in a corner and hoping that people don't notice me so that they can't judge me.  Oops.  Okay, now I need to relate the rant to Debate... one second... oh! Okay so at the Debate tournament something very very weird happened.  I became an extrovert.  A bonafide, actual, social person.  I actually went up to strangers and had conversations!  It was crazy.  I had actual conversations that went beyond hello.  Really, I'm still not sure it actually happened.  I don't know if you all know how much I'm not normally talkative.  I spent the entirety of last year almost completely silent unless someone talked to me.
Anyways, we spent like six-ish hours on the bus, which was better than usual because we rented one of those super-fancy ones, which turned out to be a wee-bit small... but no matter! The seats were comfy.  We ended up playing a few games and generally just trying not to be super crazy bored.  I actually was able to sleep so yay! (Seriously this was a weekend of miracles!)
We got to the hotel sort-of on time.  We were running a little late so we just changed and then ran to the high school.  Keep in mind that it's Friday the 13th at this point.  I'm crazy superstitious, and then we arrive at the "devil's den" to this:

Image goes to me!

I'm not too sure weather the bird is a Raven or a Crow, but never-the-less it was really really creepy.  Anyways, the tournament was really fun, and although I didn't sleep at all that night I enjoyed the trip over all.  It was cool and I'm tired so this post is dying.  Loves to you all,

Anna

Why I Don't Pack Stuff... Ever.

It always look like this.  Really.  This is the "cleaner" version.  When packing is "done".  Good lord.  Kill me.  Although music blasting is helping this get done faster. Yes, that is a balloon hanging from my ceiling, in case you were wondering.  I should be packing... I'll post about why I started this accursed task later... but for now,  goodnight all!

Deck the halls with... screw it.

I'm sorry if I seem like a very pessimistic person during this post.  I've been sick all week and just failed my AP History Final.  Anyways, I hate holidays.  I don't understand the whole concept, really.  We donate an entire season to greed.  Every square inch of space is covered in sparkles and various shades of green and red.  Everyone involved is expected to be magically happy for every freaking second from Thanksgiving to Christmas.  I don't get it, and it frustrates me to no end.  Really.  I hate the holidays. I know that I should be crazy grateful for having a family around the holidays, and I am, I just can't get past everyone's expectations that everyone else be happy constantly for more than a month.

Image Credited to Christmas Games

Now just warning you, this is going to get kinda deep.  I was hanging ornaments tonight, and something occurred to me.  I have  ornaments from second grade onwards.  You know the ones you make in elementary school? Well, anyways, most of them have little chips, and some have completely shattered into large pieces.  The ones that have shattered are re-repaired every year, and every year it gets a little harder as more and more of the ornament breaks.  Me, being me, started thinking about how the ornaments symbolized my growth as a person.   I started thinking about how the small little clay contraption I made in second grade with my name sloppily scrawled across the front represented my unabashed ability to be myself in those years.  As I looked at the poor thing now however, chipped in several places; shattered; and missing one side,  I thought about how as I grew my ability to throw other's opinions away slowly chipped away until it was virtually non-existent.  When I saw my little glittered letter that I made in kindergarten or first grade addressed to my mother, I saw my innocence, and my struggling relationship with my mother.  I did this with every single ornament in the box, which resulted in a very bad mood.

Now you see why I shouldn't be left alone with my brain.  So this is my little corner of brain for you.  Yes, I know, bad image.

Some Not-Too-Happy Stuff...

Since we don't have a blog assignment this week I'm not required to ineffably cheerful so I've decided to give you all a little bit of... my brain. My brain is a slightly scary place, mostly because about 70% of the shit that goes through my head I hope no one else ever feels.  Unfortunately, a lot of people our age do feel like I do.  Approximately 11% out of every 100 people experience severe depression at some point during high school.  Let's give this a little perspective:  if you are in a class of 30, more than three people in that class are severely depressed, at least five people are seriously considering suicide, and at least one person will commit suicide by the end of high school. 157,000 teens per year are committed to a hospital because of severe self-harm injuries.  This doesn't just pertain to "dramatic" teenage girls, 19% of suicide deaths are male.  These are some seriously sad statistics.  Most of these people feel like they don't have a way out, or are trapped.

Image Credited to: Hyperbole And A Half

The rest of the world seems to be shoving their ability to feel, well, anything in their faces.  Any effort by anyone to help them just makes them feel worse.  

Image Credited to: Hyperbole And A Half

I had a purpose to this when I started it... and then as I kept writing the purpose just kinda faded into this blurry mass... so thanks for reading... and just... I hope you remember some of this and... be sympathetic... we are all human... and we all deserve to feel like we are worth something.

A Letter...

Dear Bitches in my Spanish Class,
Being "gay" is not a contagious disease.  Stop being awful human beings please.
Thanks,
Anna

Sleeping With Sirens!!!

My friends Audrey, Amanda, Lucy, and I all went to a Sleeping With Sirens concert last night at The Great Saltair. We were all super excited and probably came off as really dorky fangirls, but we were all determined to have a great time.  We got in really easy after waiting in line for a while we were let in early because we already had our tickets.  

Image credit goes to: Amp Musicians

We made it up to the front by the stage about the second song into Our Last Night's set.  When I say "we made it up to the front" I am referring to the shoving, elbowing, and swearing it took to get most people to move.  It took forever to get up there and we were all already dripping with sweat, but with electric guitars and screams echoing through my ears I didn't really notice that much.  This was one of the moments I hated being 5'2" because I had some issues seeing/surviving throughout the night.  Anyways, I wasn't expecting Our Last Night to be that great but they were really good! Everyone got really excited and the band was very enthusiastic which pumped us all up for the next band, Issues.

Our Last Night Image Credit goes to: Infectious Magazine

Issues was really disappointing after Our Last Night.  They were just a little too close to the pop-rap spectrum for my taste.  The crowd was really crazy during this one and it got kinda dangerous if you couldn't hold your own.  Even though Issues wasn't one of my favorites being so close to the stage somehow made their music better.

Image credit to: Highlight Magazine

Anyways, Breathe Carolina came on next and they were amazing.  Everyone was so psyched by now and we were so packed in that it felt like we were grinding with the entire Salt Lake county.  It was so much fun.  You could smell the enthusiasm and anticipation in that room. Actually it was probably the weed, but still.  The four of us tried as hard as we could not to get separated and just attempted to survive while enjoying some amazing music.

Image Credit goes to: A Website I've Never Heard Of

Sleeping With Sirens was up next, and we were four people away from the stage.  It was going to be amazing!  Except for one small issue. Everyone behind us was pushing and shoving and screaming to get to the front.  This is where the 5'2" thing came in.  Most of the people in the front were either really tall muscular guys or teenage girls with frizzy hair.  The last one accurately describes me at this point, which wouldn't be an issue,  except for the fact that I physically couldn't breathe.  My rib cage was being crushed from either side by two men, while my face was unwillingly shoved into someone's thick hair.  The whole room kinda started to sway slightly and the place where a crowd-surfer had landed on my neck suddenly started to send panic signals towards by brain.  I was determined to make it through Sleeping With Sirens.  After all, they were the main reason I was there. My breaking point was when, almost as one, the people behind us shoved as hard as they could.  This had been happening all night, but this time I had a chick's elbow in my back and no air to breathe.  I had to get out of there.

Image Credit of a Concert at the Saltair goes to: UVU Review

Getting out was slightly difficult, but eventually we made it to a safer area with less crazies (but more drugs).  We then listened to Sleeping With Sirens from there.  They were fantabulous.  Kellin introduced each song with a surprisingly inspirational speech and some humor.  This is the setlist that they played:

Here We Go

Congratulations

Low

Free Now

If I'm James Dean You're Audrey Hepburn

The Best There Ever Was

A Trophy Father's Trophy Son

These Things I've Done

Scene Five

Do It Now Remember It Later

Satellites

If You Can't Hang

Image Credit Goes To: Facebook Covers

The whole experience was awesome! Even though I will feel dirty for the next three years and only got three hours of sleep because of it, the concert was totally worth it.  Audrey and Amanda also posted stuff on last night if you want to check out their blogs too!

SO MUCH JOY IS SEEPING FROM EVERY PORE IN MY ENTIRE BODY THAT I THINK I AM GOING TO DIE FROM A LACK OF OXOGEN BECAUSE THERE IS JUST TO MUCH JOY IN THE SURROUNDING AIR!!!!!!
-Amanda

"Kellin Quinn's voice sounds like an angel peeing in your ear."

-Audrey

Distractions

It took me at least four hours to even get to this page.  After that it took me more than twenty minutes to type three words.  Although having the entire world at my fingertips is a great resource, it often prevents me from getting anything done.  I can't do anything on my computer without listening to Sleeping With Sirens,  Mayday Parade, Linkin Park, or another band.  As I'm typing this, I pause every other sentence to text my friend.   Our generation is so ingrained into the digital world and its technology that we can't separate ourselves from it.

Image Credited to The Huffington Post

An average teen spends 73 minutes per day texting.  The number of texts that people in United States send per month has reached over 7 billion.  That's too much.  My friends and I often catch ourselves sitting together and texting.  My sister, who is ten, sometimes showers with her iPad sitting on a shelf so that she can watch her shows.  We cannot give our generations the excuse to completely alienate social interaction and real life in exchange for technology.

This post has now spanned a course of over two weeks to write.  This is what I'm talking about.  I have no physical or mental capability to write this post without tuning into countless distractions.  Currently I'm in class, and wow.  It's really hard to focus.  Sometimes I think I might have ADD... hmm...  Anyways! This post was about... distractions.  We are supposed to be writing our blog posts, but we have so far talked about T.V. Shows, fantasy characters, pandas, and what stereotypical characters we would be in a very crappy movie.  I think we all have written about three sentences. This is why we never get anything done in English class during free work time.  I'm not really sure if this makes any sense.  The people at the next table over are having a very interesting conversation... Ooo! Petronus quiz!  I may or may not be back...

Things That Everyone Else Finds Creepy

I love old stuff.  I love things and places with a story, but not everyone feels that way.  So, I asked my friend to rate my four favorites and put them from the most "creepy" to the least.

1. Cemeteries

I grew up with a cemetery in my backyard.  Literally.  From my bedroom window you could see the tombstones and everything.  I used to spend time walking around the cemetery and looking at the gravestones.  When I was growing up everyone in my neighborhood knew when a military person had died because they played bagpipes.  You could tell what kind of people the parents were by what music they played, and could watch the caskets get re-dug the next morning.  Oh right, the casket re-digging. One thing that most people don't know is that the funeral people re-dig the graves the next day to make them deeper so that the bodies don't slide when there's a big rain.  In the cemetery behind my house there was a shady company that allowed the family to "rent a casket".  Those re-burials were the creepiest, with the bodies pulled out the caskets and everything.  Sorry.  Too weird? My favorite part of our cemetery was that on Memorial Day and the Fourth of July the cemetery employees would lay out and light a candle next to each grave.  It was beautiful. Anyways, that's why I feel at home in cemeteries, especially cemeteries like these ones.


2. Decrepit Buildings and Places

Credited to The MMN

Old paint, creaky walls, eroding furniture, I love it all.  For me a building or place's ruined state shows its true nature, its character.  That's why I love this picture, because it shows a different side to an amusment park.  One day I hope to see the ruined sections of Detroit and be able to view it my way.  I love these pictures of that area.

3. Old Cars

I know virtually nothing about cars.  Okay, I take that back, I know absolutely nothing about cars.  Nothing.  Yet, I love to look at and find old cars.  There really isn't anything else to say.  If I knew anything about cars I would talk about old car names and different types of engines, but I don't.  So, I'll just end with an ultimatum.  Old cars are very underrated.

4.  Antiques

I don't know anyone that doesn't love antiques.  Honestly, how could you not?  Each item has such a rich history, every piece of furniture a story.  When I get an apartment all of my furniture will come from second-hand stores by choice.  Antiques are like books in another language, they have a unique story if you can only figure out how to decipher it.


So what did you think? Tell me in the comments section!

The Religious Atheist

Religious atheist- One who worships at a holy place, but does not believe in a divine power.

Let me clarify something for you before I start.  I think religion is awesome.  I love that people can go to a holy place and feel all that divine... ness.  That's great.  I'm just not one of those people.  

I have been going to church all of my life.  I was baptized at a little church in some town that I never even lived in, and my parents are Catholic.  Little me sat in the front row, said all of the right words,  and smiled at the wrinkled ladies that kissed me after it was all over.  She studied at a Catholic school, read the bible, and paid attention in Religion Class.  As a grew older though, those lessons that I learned in English started to apply when I sat and listened to the preist talk.  I began to really think about what he was saying and what I thought about it.  The more I listened, the more I heard that I didn't agree with.  

I think the tipping point for me was the whole "women can't be priests" thing.  Growing up with a strongly feminist mother had imprinted in me the ideal that I wasn't any less than any guy.  I didn't want to be a priest, but something about the fact that I couldn't be one even if I wanted to just rubbed me the wrong way.   

About halfway through my sixth grade summer I stopped saying the prayers in mass.  I guess some part of the kindergarten ultimatum of "don't lie" stuck with me.  No one noticed that my voice was absent, and that was fine with me.  About five months into seventh grade I started calling myself an atheist in my head, and then out loud when we moved to a different school in eighth grade.   I felt like the Catholic label didn't apply to me anymore. 

Now I am going through the process of getting confirmed in the Catholic church.  I go to church on Sunday, say the right words, and shake the wrinkly hands of the ladies who introduce themselves after mass.  I study at a public high school, read To Kill a Mockingbird, and pay attention in science class.  As a grow older, I may find my place in the religious world.  Right now, though, I remain the loyal Religious Atheist.

Defining My Direction

I looked at a lot of different blogs while trying to come up with something to write on this one.  At the end of it all though, I still only have a vague nondescript idea of what I'm going to attempt over the next year.  In the end, the blogs that stuck out to me were the ones that were different.  Blogs that had something that was new and completely unique to the author.  That is what I'm going to try to do.  I am going to try and create something that stands out in the large expanse of the blogging world.   

The first blog I found was titled "The Bloggess", a blog written in such a strange and oddly beautiful voice that I couldn't close the tab.  Over the next year I hope to find my own unique voice, and hope to make what I'm writing at least halfway interesting.  

I found "THXTHXTHX" purely by accident, while searching for a texting abbreviations sheet for my little sister.  This blog is exactly what it sounds like.  Leah spends a little time each day to write a thank you note.  She writes short thank you notes for the coffee pot, tote bags, and her lack of social messages on vacation.  Leah's blog is new, different, and heartwarming.  I hope I can manage not to write atrociously long posts and still make them semi-interesting.  

The last blog is called "What My Daughter Wore" and shows how important the way you present your blog is.  The author of this blog has drawn pictures of people in her children's lives in their various guises, and it's really interesting even though she doesn't have a single word on the page. I'm hoping to find a way to catch people's eyes without them reading a word, but that probably won't happen.

As I embark on this long, and slightly terrifying journey I will most likely fail a lot, change my background at least 10 times, and have a couple of mental breakdowns.  Even with all that I'm still confident by the end of the year I will have a blog worth reading.  

Thanks for reading my ramblings,

Anna

The Bloggess

What My Daughter Wore

THXTHXTHX